I don’t think I have anything profound or new to say today. It’s something every mom probably feels. But sometimes stating the obvious can help others know they are not alone. That what they are feeling is okay to feel. That their life is normal, still hard, but normal.
So here is goes, my statement of today: I just don’t want to be needed.
This might sound crazy, but hang with me. I know that ultimately it’s nice (maybe necessary) to be needed, but right now I would just like a little break from being needed SO much.
Seth and Bridget are both at a stage right now where I am, for the most part, their entire world. This may sound sweet, but right now it’s exhausting. I mean, it’s just seems like it is going to be too much to handle. I feel like I can’t keep up this pace of the intensity of the needs that they have for me. From Bridget continuing to breastfeed every two to three hours, to Seth being kind of an emotional wreck. From the demands of diapers, meals, clothes, laundry, entertainment, hygiene. To the roles of playmate, teacher, trainer, comforter, listener. All of this just seems a bit overwhelming.
I wish I was not so needed.
But maybe this is a selfish wish. Maybe its me wanted to be able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Maybe I really am not that much unlike the toddlers that needs me so much.
Yes, there are things we need to adjust so that I am not quite to worn out. But maybe I also need to change my perspective. Maybe I’m focusing too much on the weight of all this mommy-hood and not remembering the joy and honor.
Yes, the days are long and sometime just down right miserable. Yes, at the end (and in the middle and sometimes in the beginning) my eyes are tired and my mind is shot. But there are two little people napping right now (thank GOD!) who have been given to me. They are a gift. God has trusted them to me. Even writing that gives me chills. He has trusted them to Ian and me. He has perfectly created our family with all our craziness to be for His glory.
This is what I need to remember.